15 October 2003
NRA purchases Monument Airlines
"AIRifle" will require guns on board
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a surprise announcement, the National Rifle
Association (NRA) announced today that it has purchased ailing Monument
Airlines for $22.8 billion. In a statement released by the NRA,
it noted that the new airline will establish its headquarters in Crawford,
TX and will allow all current United employees the opportunity to
transfer into new positions there as soon as new bunkers have been
completed.
In order to turn around the ailing airline, the new owners have
petitioned the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) for a waiver
allowing passengers to carry firearms aboard. According to an official
at the new airline, the NRA wants to "make it a requirement that every
passenger on board our flights be armed. We view this requirement as a
sure way to discourage in-flight hijackings."
For passengers who show up for their flights without sidearms, the
airline plans to make guns available for rent as well as for purchase at
the ticket counter.
In a move that is expected to appeal to pistol-packing passengers, the airline will beef up its routes connecting Texas,
Montana, Idaho, and certain urban centers in New Jersey. At the same
time, it will begin withdrawing from the California and Vermont markets.
The airline will fly under the name AIRifle and will soon appear
bear
the livery of the company: Winged bullets with smiley faces and the
slogan, "AIRifle: Your best shot at arriving on time." Flight
attendants have already been issued their new camo uniforms.
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